 Sometimes
we parents can become so caught up in guilt over
what we see as our flaws that we lack the luster
to take the simplest action--it's easier to keep
things as they are. We're exhausted, and
reading one more idea or tip on how to create
a perfectly organized pantry, enhance our child's
self esteem, or throw that festive pool party,
gnaws at our raw spot and we shut down. We've
become cynical, “Yeah right, like my kids
would ever agree to candles and storytelling instead
of television or Gameboy” or “Sheesh,
my kitchen could never look like that” We
choose guilt over change.
Guilt, I promise, is felt by
all of us at some point or another. One mother
of four told me “I feel guilty everyday
for something. But I'm a woman, and a mom, so
it's par for the course.” We can change
this course. We can begin to take care of
ourselves as we care for those we love, knowing
that ultimately it’s best for the entire
family.
Summer is a season that showers
us with mother guilt. “Because of
my work life my child can’t have the carefree
‘swinging in the hammock, staring at the
clouds’ kind of summer I recall. Or,
“If we only had a summer house by the ocean
we would be happy, but I just don’t make
enough money to facilitate that dream. We’re
losers in lawn chairs staring at a lilting blow
up pool.”
We beat ourselves up when we
vary from our limiting definition of a “good
parent.” We send our four-year-old to school
wearing a bathing suit instead of undies because
there just weren't any clean ones. Then we feel
as if we should be punished for our incompetence.
We're ruthless with ourselves, when maybe we should
just buy more underwear.
The truth is, we take on this parenting role with
little preparation. The discrepancies between
our expectations and reality are huge. My
husband had some notion, when our first child
was born, that he could read the Wall Street Journal
while serenely rocking his infant. The first day
she was home from the hospital he settled her
on his chest and awkwardly opened the newspaper
pages. Ha! It didn't jive with his romantic fatherly
picture. He adjusted. View this parenting
gig as a path to greater spiritual awareness (the
ultimate in mind body multitasking). Mistakes
are simply opportunities to evolve a little more.
Desires are not placed in our heart in order to
manifest waves of guilt but rather as prompts
to move forward to achieve them. Guilt takes
us out of the present moment where our kids live,
and where we need to see and act clearly, and
into another zone of past pictures and misplaced
inner scolding.
Begin to release the current
conditioning our culture seems to wrap us in which
suggests that we must listen to and give to our
children exclusively, without giving to ourselves.
Caring for our children’s deepest feelings
and desires is important, of course, but doing
so without attending to our own wants and needs
only fuels our guilt, weariness, and resentment.
Relationships flourish, families thrive, and careers
soar when both parent and child are nourished.
The following tips will help
you ditch the guilt each time it rears its nasty
little head and move forward to claim a glorious
summer and life:
1. Rather then feeling
guilty that your children are in day care, make
sure the day care you select reflects your values
and expectations. Always follow your intuition.
If you’re feeling less then confident about
the situation, begin this week researching a new
arrangement. Talk to your child’s
current day care provider about including more
summer activities. Who knows, they might
just hang a hammock – nature will supply
the clouds.
2. Don’t compare
your family to the family next door, or the family
you grew up in, or even the families you see on
television. What works for you is uniquely yours.
My daughter came home astounded that a friend's
mother irons their clothing. Did I feel
guilty that in twelve years my daughter has never
seen an iron, much less worn ironed jeans? Nah.
3. You’re the parent
and you get to construct your own way of doing
things. Anything goes. You can set your own priorities.
Serve raw carrot sticks and peanut butter on toast
for dinner if you want to--it's three food groups.
Pile laundered clothes on any available surface
for the kids to put away, at least they are clean.
There's no expectation that you can't question,
no "right way" to run your household.
A friend of mine just had her fourth daughter.
Sorting socks was the chore that sent her over
the edge. So, she bought twenty five pairs
of identical white socks. Her three older
girls wear the same size, luckily, and now grab
their two socks, that always match, from the clean
pile--problem solved.
4. Sometimes we feel guilty
for not spending enough time with our child or
for not giving him everything he wants, so we
allow him to do as he pleases. The result
is a very unattractive and confused kid who knows
he can take advantage of our guilt. Instead
of giving him free reign, make an effort to spend
more time with him in situations where you are
able to be fully attentive. Also, say no
and mean it. Don’t waver back and
forth as guilt tugs at your decision making ability.
Kids deserve clear answers. They want us,
not expensive things that cause their parents
to be anxious and debt-ridden. Kids need limits
created with love, not a pal for a parent who
is afraid to say no. It’s fine for children
to let us know their needs and wants, and it’s
key that we balance that with what’s best
for the whole family.
5. Many of us feel guilty
for wanting time away from our kids. But it is
essential to take care of your own body, mind,
and spirit. What soothes your soul?
Make an appointment this week to engage in that
activity--lunch with a friend, a long hot soak
in the tub, time to read an inspirational book,
an afternoon at the beach all by yourself. No
kidding, do it now! Just to dodge the guilt, remind
yourself you’re doing it for your kids.
Arrange with your partner, barter with a friend,
or hire a baby-sitter so you can indulge in your
connection with spirit. My daughter let me off
the hook with this one. I wanted to go to
a Saturday morning yoga class but I also really
wanted to hang out with my family and eat French
toast in our jammies. Whitney said, “Mom,
you're much nicer after you do yoga.”
I went to the class. Take care of yourself so
you can take better care of your kids.
6. Let go of any past
mistakes you've made with your children. Forgive
yourself and move forward. Then, think about how
you want to parent differently this summer then
in the past. Create a clear picture in your
mind. Write down the qualities you’d like
to have more of: patience, understanding, joyful
acceptance. Keep the list handy to remind
yourself of the picture you imagined.
7. Put your guilt to good
use. If you feel awful over unkind words you said
to your child, tell her you're sorry. If you feel
you're not spending enough time with your family,
reevaluate your schedule. If you regret not having
planned a family vacation, find a website that
specializes in last minute trips and book one
– or plan your own adventure without leaving
town. Don't wallow in guilt. Confront it and take
action.
8. Write your own list
of myth busters. Begin with: parents do
lose their tempers, moms don't always want to
cuddle, dinner doesn't have to come from a recipe,
not every spiritual family goes to church or Synagogue
each week, and calm can be found when dishes aren’t
done and the house is full of activity.
9. Use the summer months
to dig deep into your own limitations of fear.
Howard Aiken’s quote: “Fear is the
tax that conscience pays to guilt” is a
reminder that guilt spawns fear, and fear often
elicits inaction. Take action and bust the
fear. For instance, you are afraid your
neighbors are talking about your shabby front
lawn and are driven by this fear turned into guilt
to buy $300 worth of perennials. You then feel
guilty each morning on your way to work as you
walk by the haggard looking sprigs, and think
“Oh great, one more living thing that needs
me” and the guilt about not tending to them
rises up and BAM a big dose of early morning guilt
sets in to ruin your day. Easy solution:
Don’t fear your neighbor’s wrath.
Care about what you care about. Don’t
buy expensive perennials. Invest in a few
potted annuals, if YOU want some summer color.
Then purchase those pots that hold the water with
a special little insert so you don’t have
to spend thousands on a sprinkler system.
Voila!
10. Summer is the perfect time
for guilt free eating – for you and your
kids. Buy wonderful organic fruits and veggies
and delicious fresh sorbets. Put berries
on the morning cereal and pack lunches using leftover
stir fries!
Some might say that guilt is woven into our DNA.
The cartoonist Cathy Guisewite writes, “Food,
love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt
groups." But you can change this comic
truth. Buck the stereotype. Decide, for
instance, that tucking happy kids into bed even
if the sheets haven’t been laundered in
weeks and the little cherubs have sand between
grubby toes is just fine…as long as they
drift off with smiles on their faces. Happy,
guilt-free summer!! |
