Brought to you by Mimi Doe and SpiritualParenting.com
July 7, 2005
V7 #7
DE-STRESS THIS SUMMER
Welcome to the Spiritual Parenting Community!
This newsletter is my gift to you as you give to everyone else in your life.
You may want to print out this month's newsletter and read it at your leisure. Don't feel as if you have to read it all in one sitting, but rather take it segment by segment as a roadmap for the summer months. Know that the possibilities for experiencing peacefulness and delight are just as available as feeling stressed and chaotic. Create an itinerary for a calm journey and cancel any guilt trips.
Blessings and Light,
Mimi
p.s. What do you think of Blogs? Many of you have asked me to consider adding one to the site. Would you prefer a Blog to this monthly newsletter? Let me know your Blog thoughts.
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It is a happy talent to know how to play.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
WEEKLY TIPS
JUNE 5-11:
Make yours a soulful home this summer. Start by finding photos of those you love and important family events. Have your kids create funky frames from driftwood, seashells, twigs, or simple poster board. Then, prop these photographic creations on the floor, on top of books, or over the kitchen cabinets so you can rotate the collection. The images of joy will add warmth and grace to your rooms. You might also consider investing in a camera for your older child. It's fascinating to view the world from her lens.
JUNE 12-18:
Dedicate a day this week as "Strawberry Day." Visit your public library for books with a strawberry theme ("The First Strawberries: A Cherokee Story" by Joseph Bruhac; "Flicka, Ricka, Dicka and the Strawberries" by Maj Lindman; "The Grey Lady and the Strawberry Snatcher" by Molly Bang; "The Little Mouse, The Red Ripe Strawberry, and the Big Hungry Bear" by Don and Audrey Wood are just a few picture books available.) Go to a "U-Pick" Strawberry Farm and fill some buckets with these luscious berries. Feast on strawberry shortcake, strawberry ice cream, and toast with strawberry jam.
JUNE 19-25:
Select a day to visit your town as if for the first time. Forget chores and routines and instead strap the binoculars around your neck and head out to explore. Read some local history, eat lunch in a restaurant you've never tried, ask for directions even if you know where you're going. Take the time to talk to the waitress, speak to the family next to you in the park, and open your awareness to guide you on your explorations.
JUNE 26 - JULY 2:
Consider making this your annual "no technology" week. Cool technology can diminish the worth of humans. It is our role to help kids remain connected to real people, not just E-mail pals, chat room friends, or television characters. We must remember to use technology as a tool rather than an uninvited guest blasting into our homes. Keep the computer in a central place where you can use it together and the television in a spot that takes some effort to reach so that you use it more thoughtfully. Don't allow technology to squelch the less-attention-getting but more profound inner spirit that is awaiting your child's discovery. Don't choose technology over long summer nights calling you to "come out and play."
JULY 3-9:
Set up a game table on your porch, deck, or under a shady tree. A picnic table or a simple card table will do. Buy a large plastic waterproof bin with a snug top to store puzzles, games, and a deck of cards. Maybe your house will be known as "the place to stop for a good game of chess or checkers."
I, God, am your playmate! I will lead the child in you in wonderful ways, for I have chosen you.
-- Metchild of Magdeburg
10 TIPS TO BANISH SUMMER GUILT TRIPS
Sometimes we parents can become so caught up in guilt over what we see as our flaws that we lack the luster to take the simplest action--it's easier to keep things as they are. We're exhausted, and reading one more idea or tip on how to create a perfectly organized pantry, enhance our child's self esteem, or throw that festive pool party, gnaws at our raw spot and we shut down. We've become cynical, "Yeah, right, like my kids would ever agree to candles and storytelling instead of television or video games" or "Sheesh, my kitchen could never look like that." We choose guilt over change. We wallow in the negative and can't see through the veil to what is poised on the brink waiting for us to claim it.
Guilt, I promise, is felt by all of us at some point or another. One mother of four told me "I feel guilty everyday for something. But I'm a woman, and a mom, so it's par for the course." We can change this course. We can begin to take care of ourselves as we care for those we love, knowing that ultimately it's best for the entire family.
Summer is a season that might have brought on mother guilt in the past. "Because of my work life my child can't have the carefree 'swinging in the hammock, staring at the clouds' kind of summer I recall." Or, "If only we had a summer house by the ocean we would be happy, but I just don't make enough money to facilitate that dream. We're losers in lawn chairs staring at a lilting blow up pool."
We beat ourselves up when we vary from our limiting definition of a "good parent." We send our five-year-old to camp wearing a bathing suit instead of undies because there just weren't any clean ones. Then we feel as if we should be punished for our incompetence. We're ruthless with ourselves, when maybe we should just buy more underwear.
The truth is, we take on this parenting role with little preparation. The discrepancies between our expectations and reality are huge. My husband had some notion, when our first child was born, that he could read the "Wall Street Journal" while serenely rocking our infant. The first day she was home from the hospital he settled her on his chest and awkwardly opened the newspaper pages. Ha! It didn't jive with his romantic fatherly picture. She howled, he adjusted.
View this parenting gig as a path to greater spiritual awareness (the ultimate in mind-body multitasking). Mistakes are simply opportunities to evolve a little more. Desires are not placed in our hearts in order to manifest waves of guilt but rather as prompts to move forward and achieve them. Guilt takes us out of the present moment where our kids live, and where we need to see and act clearly, and into another zone of past pictures and misplaced inner scolding.
Begin to release the current conditioning our culture seems to wrap us in which suggests that we must listen to and give to our children exclusively, without giving to ourselves. Caring for our children's deepest feelings and desires is important, of course, but doing so without attending to our own wants and needs only fuels our guilt, weariness, and resentment. Relationships flourish, families thrive, and careers soar when both parents and children are nourished.
The following tips will help you ditch the guilt each time it rears its nasty little head and move forward to claim a glorious summer and life:
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Rather then feeling guilty that your children are in day care, make sure the day care you select reflects your values and expectations. Always follow your intuition. If you're feeling less then confident about the situation, begin this week researching a new arrangement. Talk to your child's current day care provider about including more summer activities. Who knows, they might just hang a hammock - nature will supply the clouds.
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Don't compare your family to the family next door, or the family you grew up in, or even the families you see on television. What works for you is uniquely yours. My daughter came home astounded that a friend's mother irons their clothing. Did I feel guilty that my daughter has never seen an iron, much less worn ironed blouses? Nah.
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You're the parent and you get to construct your own way of doing things. Anything goes. You can set your own priorities. Serve raw carrot sticks and peanut butter on toast for dinner if you want to -- it's three food groups. Eat on a blanket under the stars and use paper plates. Pile laundered clothes on any available surface for the kids to put away, at least they are clean. There's no expectation that you can't question, no "right way" to run your household. A friend of mine just had her fourth daughter. Sorting socks was the chore that sent her over the edge. So, she bought 25 pairs of identical white socks. Her three older girls wear the same size, luckily, and now grab their two socks, that always match, from the clean pile -- problem solved.
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Sometimes we feel guilty for not spending enough time with our child or for not giving him everything he wants, so we allow him to do as he pleases. The result is a very unattractive and confused kid who knows he can take advantage of our guilt. Instead of giving him free reign, make an effort to spend more time with him in situations where you are able to be fully attentive. Also, say no and mean it. Don't waver back and forth as guilt tugs at your decision-making ability. Kids deserve clear answers. They want us, not expensive things that cause their parents to be anxious and debt-ridden. Kids need limits created with love, not a pal for a parent who is afraid to say no. It's fine for children to let us know their needs and wants, and it's key that we balance that with what's best for the whole family.
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Many of us feel guilty for wanting time away from our kids. But it is essential to take care of your own body, mind, and spirit. What soothes your soul? Make an appointment this week to engage in that activity -- lunch with a friend, a long hot soak in the tub, time to read an inspirational book, an afternoon at the beach all by yourself. No kidding, do it now! Just to dodge the guilt, remind yourself you're doing it for your kids. Arrange with your partner, barter with a friend, or hire a baby-sitter so you can indulge in your connection with you. My daughter let me off the hook with this one. I wanted to go to a Saturday morning yoga class but I also really wanted to hang out with my family and eat French toast in our jammies. Whitney said, "Mom, you're much nicer after you do yoga." I went to the class. Take care of yourself so you can take better care of your kids.
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Let go of any past mistakes you've made with your children. Forgive yourself and move forward. Then, think about how you want to parent differently this summer then in the past. Create a clear picture in your mind. Write down the qualities you'd like to have more of: patience, understanding, joyful acceptance, playfulness. Keep the list handy to remind yourself of the picture you imagined.
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Put your guilt to good use. If you feel awful over unkind words you said to your child, tell her you're sorry. If you feel you're not spending enough time with your family, reevaluate your schedule. If you regret not having planned a family vacation, find a website that specializes in last minute trips and book one -- or plan your own adventure without leaving town. Don't wallow in guilt. Confront it and take action.
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Write your own list of myth busters. Begin with: parents do lose their tempers, moms don't always want to cuddle, dinner doesn't have to come from a recipe, not every spiritual family goes to church or synagogue each week, calm can be found when the dishes aren't done and the house is full of activity.
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Use the summer months to dig deeper into your own fear limitations. Howard Aiken's quote: "Fear is the tax that conscience pays to guilt" is a reminder that guilt spawns fear, and fear often elicits inaction. Take action and bust the fear. For instance, you are afraid your neighbors are talking about your shabby front lawn and are driven by this fear turned into guilt to buy $300 worth of perennials. You then feel guilty each morning on your way to work as you walk by the haggard looking sprigs, and think "Oh, great, one more living thing that needs me" and the guilt about not tending to them rises up and BAM a big dose of early morning guilt sets in to ruin your day. Easy solution: Don't fear your neighbor's wrath. Care about what you care about. Don't buy expensive perennials. Invest in a few potted annuals, if YOU want some summer color. Then purchase those pots that hold the water with a special little insert so you don't have to spend thousands on a sprinkler system. Voila!
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Summer is the perfect time for guilt free eating • for you and your kids. Buy wonderful organic fruits and veggies and delicious fresh sorbets. Put berries on the morning cereal and pack lunches using leftover stir fries!
Some might say that guilt is woven into our DNA. The cartoonist Cathy Guisewite writes, "Food, love, career, and mothers: the four major guilt groups." But you can change this comic truth. Buck the stereotype. Decide, for instance, that tucking happy kids into bed even if the sheets haven't been laundered in weeks and the little cherubs have sand between grubby toes is just fine- as long as they drift off with smiles on their faces. Happy, guilt-free summer!!
The word "silly" derives from the Greek "selig" meaning "blessed." There is something sacred in being able to be silly.
-- Paul Pearsall
STRESSED--WHO? ME?
In a recent USA Today survey, 6 in 10 Americans said they are pressed for time, and nearly 70% say they feel stressed. Would you throw your name into that stressed-out group? What about your children's stress level?
Working on my book, "Nurturing Your Teenager's Soul" I was lucky enough to talk to and receive emails from teenagers around the country. Our teens are feeling enormous stress. David, a bright high school sophomore told me, "My parents cause me stress. They expect me to perform, perform, perform. I release it by doing something they wouldn't want me to do: sex, drugs, smoking, drinking. Knowing that it would piss them off is enough stress relief for me."
Not all kids feel the way David does. Some use stress as a motivator to try harder, some have figured out how to release stress through physical exercise, sports, music, or the arts. Regardless of our age, it's hard to feel the presence of Spirit when we're stressed--and that's exactly when we need to feel it the most.
Stress is our body's signal that we need to get back to what's simple and important--loving ourselves and our kids. This doesn't mean the myriad activities and obligations will go away. We just choose to embrace them with an intention to relax and be present rather than struggle.
Below are some ideas you might try to help diffuse the stress-and-time-crunch demons that lurk within your family life:
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What you say is what you get. Your self-talk becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Keep saying how stressed you are and that's just what you'll experience and what your children will take as the template of their lives. Catch yourself this week when you respond to a simple "How are you?" with "Stressed out and you?"
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Designate a quiet sacred space in your home for reconnecting and healing. If space is at a premium, even a corner of the couch will do. When it's occupied, others honor the person who's there by not disturbing them for a reasonable period of time. Purchase some aromatic candles, a fluffy blanket, and maybe even a set of small wind chimes. Simple changes can shift energy in lovely ways.
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Manage your child's schedule. Check out my book, "Busy but Balanced," for specific tips on how to get a grip on your schedule so you don't feel as if your children's success depends on how often you are dashing to drive them to an activity. Remember, it's summer and the living should be easy.
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Encourage your older kids to create an action plan to handle their worries and challenges. Then, help them divide the tasks into manageable pieces.
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If you are plagued by the "not enough time syndrome" begin to use your time more consciously. Overestimate the time you need to complete a task, for instance. Leave for appointments five minutes earlier than you think it will take; if you have free time on the other end, read a book or visit with your child. This makes for less stress in the long run and, when it becomes a habit, helps you create a manageable and balanced day.
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When you take a trip you plan the route, book the hotel rooms, and pack up everyone's weather related clothing. Become just as thoughtful when planning each week. What's coming up and what will you need to do to be prepared?
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Gather around the kitchen table with a big wall calendar, a different colored pen for each family member, and everyone's schedules for the summer months. Now, clearly write in each person's schedule with their designated pen. Make sure to set aside time for igniting your family's interests. See a play, build a model airplane, sketch a tree, visit an animal shelter, take an acting class, make a torte, name the stars, play the harmonica, sing together.
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Do you find you are constantly procrastinating because there simply isn't enough time to attend to all that needs to be done? Me too. When I look around my life and see the unfinished list, anxiety strikes. Procrastination itself seems to be a time thief. Worrying about the incomplete item, rewriting it on a list, circling it, feeling guilty about not doing it, often takes more time than just handling it. This week, attend to one item you have been putting off. You'll love the freedom it brings. I've finally finished some long overdue paperwork. It took about 15 minutes but had nagged at me for over two months.
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Don't forget the power of prayer. Feeling overwhelmed? Pause, place your hands on your heart and whisper, "I trust in God's order, harmony, and peace. I am calm and centered. There is enough time for everything."
Laughter is the jam on the toast of life. It adds flavor, keeps it from being too dry, and makes it easier to swallow.
-- Diane Johnson
CHILDREN'S CHECK-IN
The following is a wonderful little meditation for your child to enjoy. Of course, many parents find it works for them as well. You can read this to your son or daughter as he/she falls asleep:
Sit or lie down so you are very comfortable. Now, take a deep breath through your nose as if smelling the most fragrant flower. Then exhale, blowing the air out of your mouth. Again, breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth. Breathe deeply in through your nose and slowly let it out through your mouth. Drop your hands to your sides. Quiet your mind and allow the thoughts to gently float away. When you find yourself deeply relaxed, start to image or picture something you would like to have happen or a goal you would like to reach. Imagine this goal as you would like it. Paint in all of the details. How does it feel? What is being said? Really picture the events in living color. This feels like a great daydream, so enjoy it. When you have finished creating your mental picture say, "This or something better is coming true for me now. I believe that with God all things are possible." Then slowly come back to the room. You feel great.
CONVERSATION STARTERS
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What do you most love to do?
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What do you think your unique gift is?
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How can this gift help the world?
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What's your greatest dream?
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What are three things you can do to make this dream a reality?
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When do you feel really good about yourself?
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I see the divine potential in my child.
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I take time today to dream.
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I live in a limitless world where anything is possible.
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My dreams are not limited by dollars.
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I am filled with wonderful ideas.
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I have a special gift only I can share.
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I focus on what I love and draw it to me.
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I honor myself today.
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Through dedication I unfold to my highest potential.
"In rare moments of deep play, we can lay aside our sense of self, shed time's continuum, ignore pain, and sit quietly in the absolute present, watching the world's ordinary miracles. No mind or heart hobbles. No analyzing or explaining. No questing for logic. No promises. No goals. No relationships. No worry. One is completely open to whatever drama may unfold."
-- Diane Ackerman
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WHAT'S NEW? |
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Mimi's newest book, "Don't Worry, You'll Get In!" is now in bookstores. If you have teens that are entering that college application phase, this book is for you both! It provides tips and guidance on how to provide a more self-assured and less stressful process for you both in today's demanding and too-hectic college application process.
Check out the accompanying website: http://www.DontWorryGetIn.com
Nurture Teens' Spiritual Journeys
Read the recent review of Mimi's new book, "Nurturing Your Teenager's Soul" (Perigee) in The "Tennessean." (click on image)
WORKSHOP WITH MIMI DOE
Mimi will be offering two talks on Saturday, November 5, 2005 at The Millennium Hotel in Downtown Cincinnati.
For more information: http://www.fortheloveofkids.com/main/Download/FLOKSavetheDateFlyer.pdf
Reel Appeal: The Spiritual Parent's Movie Guide
The sixth in the Reel Appeal series, created by the wonderful film expert Jennifer Marquis, is now available at www.spiritualparenting.com.
"E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial" is featured in this guide that focuses on Spiritual Parenting Principle #6: Add Magic to the Ordinary (from Mimi's book, "10 Principles for Spiritual Parenting.") Discussion questions touch on "Find the Beauty in Every Day," "Magic Through Your Senses," "Create Family Rituals, Celebrations, Ceremonies," "Family Phases," and "Turn Down the Volume, Turn Up the Peace." So, pop some popcorn, pop in the DVD, and have a wonderful summer evening at home with your family - at the movies.
Spiritual Cinema
If you're as tired of the commercial movies available as I am you'll be thrilled to hear of a new alternative: Spiritual Cinema Circle. Each month you will receive a DVD with 3-5 high quality spiritual film selections to keep. You can watch these films with your children or after they are safely tucked in bed. Spiritual Cinema examines who we are and why we are here, and illuminates the human condition through stories and images that inspire us to reach our best human potential. For more information and to sign up, click on the little pool of water above.
CLICK HERE FOR A VIDEO PREVIEW OF THIS MONTH'S INSPIRING MOVIES FROM THE SPIRITUAL CINEMA CIRCLE: http://www.spiritualcinemacircle.com/public/preview/?af=17306
VISIT OUR WEB SITE
SpiritualParenting.com to find:
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You are welcome to reproduce this newsletter under the following conditions:
1. Include the following attribution: Mimi Doe is the founder of SpiritualParenting.com and the award winning author of, "Nurturing Your Teenager's Soul" and "Busy But Balanced." Mimi's free newsletter, Spiritual Parenting, has over 30,000 subscribers from around the world. Sign up on the website: www.spiritualparenting.com 2. Inform us of how, when, and where you are using the article. 3. Send a hard copy or a link to the site where it is being published if reproducing it electronically. 4. If reproducing the article electronically, include a link to our website: www.SpiritualParenting.com.
Spiritual Parenting Thought For the Month (sm) is written and produced by Mimi Doe and Karen Adolphson. If you have any stories to share, questions or comments please send them to: Editor@SpiritualParenting.com. We'd love to hear from you!
Any submission of tips, stories, and other content to Spiritual Parenting Thought for the Month and SpiritualParenting.com whether by email, mail, or posted to our website becomes the property of Spiritual Parenting. Please see our terms of use and privacy policy for more details at: http://www.SpiritualParenting.com
Mimi Doe, Author of:
"Nurturing Your Teenager's Soul" "Busy But Balanced" "10 Principles for Spiritual Parenting" "Drawing Angels Near" "Don't Worry You'll Get In!"
P.O. Box 157 Concord MA 01742 http://www.SpiritualParenting.com
Copyright 2005 Mimi Doe. All rights reserved.
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Spiritual Parenting Thought for the Month (sm) is written and produced by Mimi Doe, author of "Busy but Balanced" and "10 Principles for Spiritual Parenting" (HarperCollins) -- available in bookstores or through Amazon.com. If you like the ideas in these weekly Thoughts you'll love the book. It's filled with action based ideas to nourish your child's soul.
Feel free to forward your copy to anyone you think might enjoy participating! Please keep the broadcast intact, including contact and copyright information.
Copyright 1998 - 2003 Mimi Doe. All rights reserved.
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