 The
media ha ve been full of articles lately describing
the backstabbing, manipulative, and exploitative
behavior of “mean girls,” a term made
popular by a slew of books revealing this pervasive
behavior. Documentation of girl s’ cruelty
is dramatic so it receives a lot of press, yet
no one seems to be focusing on ways to change
this behavior. In fact, the general message from
all this material is that girls are not to blame
for their sly brand of cruelty because they are
in a culture that doesn’t allow them to
express their anger.
Many schools have launched character education
and bully programs; however, a larger movement
is needed to address the social pain running amuck
in our high schools. In research I did for
my book Nurturing Your Teenager’s Soul
I interviewed hundreds of high school students.
In doing so, I discovered that the number
one source of stress in teenage girls is social—
dealing with the complicated social hierarchy
of high school.
Other studies show that 80 per cent of kids enter
school feeling good about themselves. By the fifth
grade, that percentage has dropped to 20 per cent
and by twelfth grade it is only 5 per cent. More
than gang violence, the day-to-day peer violence
of put-downs, bullying, exclusion, and constant
humiliation is what drives our kids to bring guns
to school, commit suicide, cut themselves, drink
too much, starve themselves, and engage in sexual
activity just to feel some sort of connection.
I have worked with a number of schools to help
create kinder cultures and have found that no
school, no matter the price of tuition or the
difficulty of gaining admission, is immune. Those
schools that name the problem, however, and set
about taking action to correct it, are creating
a legacy of kindness that lifts the spirits of
everyone who enters the community.
Here are s ome tips for what schools can do to
foster more kindness:
*The tenor of most organizations is set by the
leader and schools are no different. Listen to
the grapevine among staff and faculty, and the
head of s chool’s communication effectiveness
will be evident. If the conversations are
toxic and negative, it’s a pretty good bet
that they don’t respect their boss. When
the adults in a community are engaged in hurtful
talk, it bleeds into the way students interact
with one another. Schools need to take a
look at their communication style, from the head
on down.
*Coaches have an obligation to foster team unity
and spirit rather than just another forum for
competition and exclusion. One goal of sports
programs should be to place a premium on good
sportsmanship. Coaches can facilitate discussions
with their teams: What does good sportsmanship
among teammates look like— and sound like?
Picking partners, for instance, can still be a
source of pain for many teenagers. Studies
show that female sports teams have a higher record
of wins when the girls like each other. When coaches
help teammates deliver kind words, inclusion,
and genuine caring along with the obligatory psych
bag of candy, everyone wins.
*Teenagers, particularly girls, participate in
social bullying by excluding each other in various
settings. It’s important that schools
ask themselves how the social structure of cliques
can be broken down and negative behavior become
less accepted in a school's culture. In
one school that I worked with, we set up small
forums with girls to discuss strategies for this
and found that simply by bringing the issue to
the light of conversation, things began to shift.
*Schools can set up facilitated student forums
to meet regularly. Discussions might include:
- What are the standards of friendship in my
school? How do I/the school/the students relay
these standards to the freshmen every year?
- How does the school relay information about
the variety of clubs and groups that students
can join? What options are available to all students?
- How does my school promote or prohibit gossip?
Gossip can be performed in many ways--in
person, in a group setting, by wireless phone,
by email and instant messaging. Does my
school protect me from gossip? How can it? How
can I protect myself? How can I prevent gossip
from spreading?
*Teachers have an intuitive sense about the social
dynamics in the classroom in addition to academic
issues. If they take a stand against unkindness
of any kind— for example, no put-downs in
discussion— kids will rise to the occasion.
Teachers and their students can create a code
of behavior for their classroom/school. Spell
it out ; e.g., making eye contact when you are
in line with another person, not excluding someone
in your group from a conversation, or greeting
someone as they walk by.
*Navigating the lunchroom can be brutal for many
teens. I encourage schools, if possible,
to create sit-down lunches with assigned seating.
One faculty or staff member can be assigned
to each table to foster a sense of community among
those gathered for the meal. Ideally, the
table assignments will be in place for at least
two weeks. This encourages healthy conversation
and inclusion.
*A school system can create ways to help students
see that the good in others is more than beauty,
academic, athletic, or monetary success. All-
school assemblies help form community and can
become forums to applaud kids who may slip past
the radar of sports wins or honor roll but rather
excel in other areas.
*Schools can bring recent graduates back to talk
about their transition to college. Ask them how
good moral habits have helped in their adjustment.
How did they reach out to others, what did
they see at your school when they were there in
terms of gossip, cliques, etc. and how did they
manage the social scene? Ask them to be honest
about how cliques form in college (dorms, sports,
appearance, background).
*Read what other schools are doing to create
a kinder environment by going to www.actsofkindness.org.
Teachers from across the country are sharing
their strategies for fostering kindness.
When schools set out to create a culture of kindness,
acknowledging that social status is a force that
permeates kid s’ lives, high school can
become a community that nurtures the spirits of
those who inhabit the halls. Take an honest
assessment of your school, which will include
authentic conversations with students, and get
the pulse on where common social cruelty meets
random acts of kindness! You’ll be
one step closer to making a difference in many
lives. |
