 I
love the notion that it takes a village to raise
a child, but lately I've been asking myself what
kinds of adults inhabit this village.
As children grow older, the intense pressure
to accomplish increases. It's hard not to absorb
this cultural craving for achievement--even though
our heads tell us there's more to successful parenting
then producing a wunderkind. The problems show
up when parents become convinced that there is
not enough “good” to go around and
their child’s ultimate well being and advancement
is somehow threatened when another child succeeds.
Many adults have a hard time celebrating the
success of a child other than their own. It's
as if John's lead in the school play is an affront
to their child's acting skill. There is a rampant
sense of comparison: "How did your daughter
do on the math test?" "Was your son
selected for the travel soccer team?" Janet,
mother of two children, wrote to me recently,
describing her daughter's sixth grade science
fair as a testament to parental skill rather then
evidence of any scientific learning on the child's
part.
Ten years ago, I wearily pushed my 3-year-old
in a swing at the local park, my 1-week infant
finally asleep in the Snugli. Next to me was a
mother in the same situation. Her son strapped
to her chest, her older child in the swing pumping
to save her life. We made small talk about the
safety of the old metal slide and our sleepless
nights. I was shocked when this woman asked me,
in a conspiratorial whisper, "What was your
baby's APGAR score?" If this mother was already
competitive about a newborn assessment test, I
feel certain she is prepping her now-10-year-old
for the SATs--just to get a head start.
I've heard of parents who stop speaking to friends
because of an altercation between their children.
I wasn't surprised when the story came out a few
years ago about the Texas cheerleader whose mother
plotted to murder her teenage nemesis.
Kids can't help buying into their parent's envy
of other children's positive qualities and successes.
Teachers are swamped with complaints from parents
angry over their child's lack of airtime in class.
Coaches tell me they are fed up with the parental
pressure inflicted upon them. Stories of fourth
and fifth graders sabotaging classmates' homework
have crept into my inbox.
We are all connected. Let's begin to see the
good in all kids and accept their strengths and
talents as gifts that will make the world a better
place instead of a threat to our child's success.
The following are some
ideas to strengthen the spiritual village in which
our children are growing up:
*Praise your children's friends--in front of your
children. Mention their good qualities, rather
than scanning them for weaknesses. In fact, go
a step further and offer support to children other
than your own. Perhaps you can offer your high
school daughter’s friend a job in your shop
this summer or offer to drive the neighbor’s
son to his audition because his parents are at
work.
*Applaud
kids for kind actions, not just achievements.
"Gee, I really liked the way you opened the
door for all the kids coming in from recess."
*Cut out the gossip--especially
in front of your kids. Remember that gossip's
purpose is to drag someone else down to make us
feel better. I’m amazed at how often I hear
adults engaging in negative talk about their children’s
peers. Pull back and focus on the positive whenever
the lure of gossip pulls you off balance.
*Pass along praise
to children's parents. "I read about your
daughter's art award. She's always had a gift
for design. Congratulations!" Doesn't it
lift your heart to hear positive words about your
child? Pass it along with notes, e-mails, phone
calls, and through conversation.
*Mentor
a child other than your own. This doesn't have
to be a formal arrangement. You might barter your
skills with a neighbor--she teaches your son chess
and you spend time writing with her daughter.
*When
envy surfaces, recognize and acknowledge it for
what it is--a wave of discontent and insecurity
that causes us pain. Envy's power is diffused
when parent and child have a vocabulary for their
emotions. "When Sue gets all the attention
from the teacher it makes me feel bad." "When
Maria's daughter was accepted at Harvard I couldn't
feel joy for her--only disappointment that my
kid will never have the grades for an Ivy League
college."
*Gratitude seems to be
an overused word these days, but go ahead and
overuse being thankful. When we are grateful for
all the blessings in our lives, we shower ourselves
in grace. A grateful heart minimizes envy and
multiplies our gifts.
*Remind yourself, and your kids, that there is
enough good to go around. We live in a bountiful
universe. We never miss out when we are balanced,
remain true to ourselves, and follow our intuitive
inner guidance. Envy, jealousy, and gossip knock
us off that spiritual center.
Envy eats nothing but its own heart."
--German proverb
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